Trenutno se nalazite na strani: Slobodno vreme Kolumna It's English time Observations on Quaint and Vulgar Behaviors of the Common Serb-Beast

Observations on Quaint and Vulgar Behaviors of the Common Serb-Beast

This, not so shy, creature is most common in the Eastern Balkan but its bio-diversity is much larger so it could be found everywhere from the Antarctica to the New Zealand. As it tends to form a pack, much like wolfs, it is pretty hard to find isolated individual in the wild. Even though it makes a lot of noise and can look quite scary it is actually not so hard to domesticate it.

If you have a need to make contact with one of these, try to approach with your arms wide apart and grin at it as much as you can. The more teeth you show the better. Serb specimen will interpret this as an act of good will and will try to reproduce your stand. As soon as you get close enough, grab the beast around the back and put three smooches on its cheeks. By doing this you will fool it to think you are the member of a pack. Do not forget to make exactly three kisses changing the cheeks each time. After the creature has accepted you as one of its own you can begin to observe its strange behaviors.

So let us start with observation. From the earliest age little Serbs are given poison called Sljivovica so they could become immune to it. This is crucial for entering mature years because individuals that cannot withstand large amounts of it will be looked down on. Young Serbs are taught to be brave like their elders and to question all food coming from animals that doesn't have ears. Thus eating a pig or a lamb is encouraged while eating fish and birds should be performed only as a last resort. Even though common Serb thinks of itself as a strong independent individual it tends to stay with its parents as long as it can. By observing the acts of majority of this specie you would be fooled to think that only thing it is afraid of is a draft. Serbs are really proud of its heritage and can spend hours talking about all the battles they ancestors were involved no matter if they won or loose. One of two main differences between male and female specimens is that after drinking large amounts of alcohol male population tend to lose shirts while female lose shoes. The other one is that most of female population has less amount of facial hair. Interesting thing about these creatures is their delusion about conspiracy theory. While most other similar beings have one or two, it is hard to count all the theories you can find among the Serbs. You can even find rudimentary religion among these beast that consists of believing in such things as being the strongest, bravest, the most beautiful and clever of course. Other similar beasts from its surrounding are naturally all opposite by its opinion. However since this have nothing to do with reality you can simply disregard all that. But be careful not to do so in present of one of the Serbs or you'll make a enemy for life. Or until you call another round of Slivovica.

All in all it is not bad to have one of these beasts around. They can come in handy when you need someone to move furniture, laugh or cry with you. And drink alcohol beverages of course.

Note: Title is inspired by Stephen Darige, character from "Kingdoms of Thorn and Bone" by Greg Keyes

Author: Željko Mitrović

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