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Funny short stories

A Soldier's Lie

Once a soldier asked his commanding officer for a day's leave to attend his sister's wedding.

The officer asked him to wait outside the door for a few minutes while he considered the request.

The officer then called the soldier back in and said, "You are a liar. I've just phoned your sister and she told me she's already married."

"Well, sir, you're an even bigger liar," the soldier replied, "because I don't even have a sister.“

 Wedding Gifts

Jack and his bride were opening their wedding gifts. After unwrapping each package, Lisa would exclaim enthusiastically, "We really need these towels" or "We'll enjoy eating off these pretty plates." Then she opened one very large box. It contained a vacuum cleaner.

"Jack," Lisa said, "look what you've got.“

Delicious Pie

We were two Australian student nurses training at an English hospital. During visiting hours, we would take a break in the ward kitchen and often a kindly visitor would slip us a cake or some chocolate.

One night a woman brought a pork pie to the kitchen and asked me, "Would you 'eat this up, love?"

My friend and I ate every crumb and were delighted--until the woman returned and asked, "Is my 'usband's pie 'ot yet, dear?“

Beggar Replacement

The doorbell rang, and the housewife answered it. She found two beggars outside. "So, you're begging in twos now?!" she exclaimed.

" No, only for today," one of them replied. "I'm showing my replacement the ropes before going on holiday."

Wedding Gown

When my sister got married, she wore my mother's wedding dress. The day she tried it on, the gown fitted her exactly and mother started to cry. "You're not losing a

daughter," I reminded her, putting my arm around her, "you're gaining a son."

"Oh, forget about that!" she said with a sob, "I used to fit into that dress.“

 Anniversary-birthday Card

"Do you have any anniversary-birthday cards?" a man asked the stationer.

"We have anniversary cards and we have birthday cards, but we don't carry one that combines both. Why?"

"Simple ," replied the man. "My wife is celebrating the fifteenth anniversary of her thirty-fourth birthday."

The books

"I may want to read it again one day" is the reason why my husband keeps every book he reads. Over 25 years most of them, never opened again after the first reading, have accumulated in our cellar. One day, however, thinking he'd never notice their absence, I donated most of them to a charity book sale. As I stood admiring the empty cellar, I heard Frank call to me, "I'm home early so I can get to the book sale before it closes."

While he was gone, I prepared for the worst. But when he arrived home empty-handed, I asked him if there had been any books that interested him.

"Yes, there were lots of good ones," he replied, "but I've got them all.“

I'm Staying Here

The traveling salesman had booked himself in for the night in a small boarding-house, but due to a lengthy business meeting he did not arrive until after midnight. He could see no signs of life, but not wanting to spend the night on the doorstep he pressed the bell. After an interval, an upstairs window opened and an angry woman peered out. "What is it?" she asked.

" It's Mr. Jerkins," replied the helpless salesman, "I'm staying here."

"All right," came the response. "Stay there". And she slammed down the window!

Take Him to the Zoo

A policeman strolling in the park one day was astonished to see a man walking towards him with a fully-grown African lion on a lead. 'Hey!' said the policeman, 'you can't walk around with a lion like that. Take him to the Zoo!'

'Oh, all right, officer, 'said the lion owner, and away he went. But the next day the policeman was again confronted with the man and his fully-grown African lion walking along the street. 'Hey, you!' yelled the policeman, 'I thought I told you yesterday to take that lion to the Zoo?'

'I did,' came the reply, 'and today I'm taking him to the cinema.'

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